Today I unfortunately found really, really horrible pornography on flickr.   In a way, I am shocked I have used Flickr for this long without finding very unattractive people having sex.  Bikers can be very unattractive people, and biker women really don’t like wearing a bra.  If there’s anything I have learned today it is to wear a bra and sunscreen all the time.  Yet all of these very (to my mind) horrifically unattractive people had lots and lots of fans even even though I would say the majority of their boobs fell into the generally accepted as unattractive “pancake” or “stretch mark” varieties.

Of course, I could not keep these horrifying photos to myself.  I shared.  And my friend, over IM, replied:

2:14
you are a classificationist
2:14
you’ve classified tits

And there you go.  They call it a discipline because it puts rules around the way you think.  Even about boobs, apparently.

"We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
And she's too fat for me
But she's just right for me
We don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me
Yeah, she's too fat,
Much too fat
But she's just right for me"

--Arthur Godfrey, "Too Fat Polka"

My sister generally enjoys your physically stereotypical very masculine muscular big dudes. muscular dudes sort of freak me out (except henry rollins, of course, who is not as creepy muscular as before), and, in my experience seem to all walk really funny. I generally don’t trust people who work out to the extent it takes to be all crazy muscular. I mean, if you have nothing better to do than work out, that’s a bad sign. But independently of that, muscular dudes=visually not attractive.

This has led to much harrassment on the part of my sister who cannot believe I don’t find most movie actors attractive. I honestly think she thought I was gay when I first told her this. In fact, I just enjoy em looking ill-fed, which, if I was a guy, would be all the women in the entertainment industry. Wouldn’t that be convenient? When asking if I find a guy attractive she will preface it with “I know he’s too fat for you, buuuut…..” and “6′2″ and a buck ten? he should eat less.” She is endlessly amused by this, and thinks I should date guys and say things like “man, he’s really letting himself go!” and “if he’s this big now, think of how fat he’ll get after he pops out some kids!” and perhaps “i would totally go out with you if you lost 20 pounds.” While I am not a giant asshole, and would never say these things, I enjoy the turnabout factor, especially since I have outweighed the majority of all of my significant others.

So it’s become a common point now to identify all males my sister or I mention now as “too fat for jenny” or not. I think this makes me sound like an ass on the cell phone, since I now, in public frequently say “oh no he’s WAY too fat for me. That fatass needs to lose some weight!” only to realize people are staring at me. I can imagine many people think I am an ass and a hypocrite. I am sure the neighbors love me. But the news says I am in luck*.

*no manorexia’s not funny, I know. But it does have a funny name! Please don’t send me hate mail.

Thursday night I certified that a new member would take up residence in the rockstars I am in love with pantheon of idols. First a recap.

My sister likes to remind me that the first person in this list has to be Michael Jackson (48).

I stand by this. He was an attractive 80s dude. I insisted we would get married, which would make me Ms. Jackson, if you’re nasty.
There was a brief interest in Joe and Donnie from NKOTB. I stand by Donnie. He’s a Wahlberg! He ain’t a bad looker, though a little too Mickey Rourke for my tastes:

Joey (34), though now religious, ain’t bad either, though I would say neither new kid is exactly my “type” at this point:

When I was twelve or so, I was the only human on earth to watch David Bowie’s “The Linguini Incident.” I have always been a big magic fan, so I was in love with David (49). This would also be my Rolling Stones Period, thus it fit in well:

I stand by this attraction as David just gets hotter, and better dressed.

Also around this period (1990ish) I became obsessed with Urge Overkill. Nash Kato (left), my friend, is another well dressed man:

I also was sort of in love with Blackie, the drummer, but he left the band. I always wondered if they still played song like (Today Is)Blackie’s Birthday after he left….

I never got to see UO in their heyday, as I was well under the age limit for any club they might play. I did get to see them about a year ago in Champaign and I was totally fangirl about it. It was ridiculous. I own and love Nash’s solo album.

Then there was the more metal-y period. I just had no attraction to James Hetfield. It was a dark period for rockers I was in love with.

Then I fell for Hank (45).

Oh Henry. You’re angry and wear a lot of black. And now you’re all literary and stand-up comedy. You have lots to talk about. You hate the president but play USO shows. You’re principled. And no doubt you TOTALLY have issues. But it doesn’t matter. You often talk about how you stay home alone on Friday nights. I don’t know that I believe that, but it makes you hotter. I love you Henry. I will do your windows. I say that because I am clearly Henry’s soul mate, as he describes here.
In reality I HATE people with muscles. i find them totally gross. But not Henry. Oh sigh Henry. Even hotter in person.

Quite differently, I am also devotedly in love with Prince, and he is funky:

Also, quite the dresser. Apparently, the way to my heart is a suit. I really am my father’s daughter I guess. If you don’t get why Prince is hot, then clearly you have never heard a Prince song. I saw Prince in concert and was almost taken with the vapors.

This has all been leading up to the new person who I believe is entering the pantheon. I considered it last time I saw him in concert, but have now decided after seeing him again he does belong here:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the new challenger, Mike Cooley of the Drive-By Truckers

here’s an example of his music.

I mean, if your band insists on at least THREE guitarists (excluding bassist) and usually four guitarists per song, you know something’s going right. Plus he sings all the kinda warped first person songs, which he writes, and generally seem to be biographical. Case in point:

” You say you’re tired of me taking you for granted
Waiting’ up till the last minute to call you up and see what you want to do
Well you’re only fifteen, girl, you ain’t got no secretary
And “for granted” is a mighty big word for a country girl like you”
I once discussed with some friends the “Mickey Rourke factor” of attraction–being attracted to males who are bad/bad for you. I made the distinction that I have always liked James Spader better. You see all matters of love are explainable by 1980s movie villians. While Mickey Rourke may rough you up and drink too much, degrade you, the James Spader type will mentally make YOU degrade yourself. I see that aspect a lot in these lyrics and find it somewhat humorous. But apparently also hot. So perhaps Henry is not too fucked up for me after all….