You know what advice I hate, and which I find to be the most useless advice ever?  Find exercise that is fun to you and do that!  Do people who give this advice think the rest of us know there’s this extremely fun exercise acivity but we for some reason avoid doing it?  I assure you that is not the case.

Exercising is never fun.  Maybe it is for you.  Maybe you find it honestly thrilling and interesting.  I find it extremely dull at best and uncomfortable drudgery at worst.  Everything is more fun if you are sitting or laying down, in my opinion.  Everything becomes even more awesome if you could read or watch videos while laying down or sitting.  I can’t read while exercising (I have tried, but I can’t) and while watching videos is okay, it takes some preparation, or a lot of time fiddling with the tv, and yet still is nowhere near as awesome as laying down.  If exercising was so awesome and fun you wouldn’t have to remind people to do it.

I know some people honestly enjoy this activity, in the same way some people like cleaning the bathroom (which I also do not enjoy).  I am sure it makes some people feel good.  I am not one of those people.  And I am guessing neither are most Americans.  If you’re so intent on people just doing “fun” exercise, Mr. Expert, maybe you should make some sort of fun exercise.  Which I can do while napping and watching horror movies.  And snacking.

Yesterday was my mom’s 69th birthday. Go mom!

Today she finds out if she has cancer or not.

You know, most birthday cards become extremely offensive when you are looking for a birthday card for someone who could get a huge mortality check the day after their birthday. It’s all cards like “haha! you’re so old! you’re gonna die!” It’s really horrible!

I opted for a card about drinking beer.

So a lot of airlines now don’t have nuts theoretically because too many people are deahly allergic to them.  I think it’s actually the airlines being cheap, but hey, in this case let me give them the benefit of the doubt.

Airlines allow people to bring pets on board though.  Yes, I can mitigate my allergy, but having had an asthma attack while on allergy meds, I’d prefer not to find out if they are working in the recycled air of a plane full of allergens miles above civilization.  The best is that even though regulations usually require a pet to be in a cage, people always take them out and play with them, pass em around, and flight attendants do nothing.

I don’t understand why planes still allow this, especially in these times of cutbacks.  If I can’t even bring luggage, why can people still bring Meowzers?

Can I just mention how excited I am that this recent salmonella outbreak (which is terrible and horrible) is veggie related?  You know in ten years when I mention eating a tomato, no one is ever going to say, “OH I’d never eat those! All those people got salmonella from them!”  Yet any time I mention how much I love Jack in the Box, I get a hearty laugh and people say they’d NEVER eat there (even though fewer people got sick in that incident, and JitB now has the most extensive food safety testing of pretty much any restaurant) because of their food poisoning incident.   I mean it’s horrible that we have to be skeptical or frightened of any food, but the fact that, for some reason we have been frightened into believing things that grow from a literal pile of excrement are less likely to make us sick than things protected from it by hide is bizarre to me.  Obviously proper handling is necessary for both, and there are temperature issues for meat, but how saintly are vegetables that it never occurred to people that they too could poison people?

Now I want a Jack taco.  Sadly the nearest one is over 600 miles away.

We went back to 50 degrees and rainy, making me do a happy dance.  However allergens did not leave with summer weather.  Math problem: Q. If today is a .2 in pollen count and I feel bad, and Sat. is an 8.9, how bad will I feel this weekend? A. Really, really bad.

I hate that there is no pollen count broken down anything more specific than “trees=number.”  Perhaps allergists don’t want you to have more specific info than that so you’ll go in?  I have no idea.

I am sure everyone at this point is like, “Shut the fuck up about your allergies.” but I have never been this bad on just a day to day basis.  I thought this was supposed to be getting better, not worse.

I will be in Chicago May 21-27.  Sadly it is not for IML but for a parent health update.

So I will probably be doing little outside of the Belmont/Cumberland area, but I will be oppressively bored and unhappy!  So local bars are definitely a good option.  I will be back briefly in Sept. too.

Those of you in Central IL, and possibly KY and TN will get a jennyvisit in Sept.  Details to follow.

Is there a place I can move with less vegetation and fewer trees than NYC?  Because clearly there’s too many here, as I want to poke myself in the eye every 12 seconds.  Stupid trees.

Dear Allergies,

Though I deeply respect your interest in the recreation of Classical Greek drama,  it is really unnecessary to use your powers to make me want to constantly claw out my own eyes.  Pick on some other schmo.  Maybe one who has slept with their mother.

Toodles,

~J

I like to cook.  I am persnickety about certain cooking tools.  But I have never bought good knives.  Because my knife skills suck.  Suck so hard.  My dad, having spent a life doing foot surgery, cooking, and working in the family grocery, has the best knife skills ever.  He also hates waste, so my poor, poor knife skills attacking a steak he has cooked properly make him weep.

Now, let me use a cracker on some seafood, and I will eviscerate that thing cleanly and efficiently.   But the physics of all knives bewilders me.

Which is why cutting things early this morning has resulted in blood and adrenaline and a bandage that I am scared to look under.  I hoped on the train I wouldn’t spring a leak and be “that bleeding freak who passed out on me.”  Mission accomplished.

“I’m making a Cobb salad, which is bacon and chicken…(pause) and bacon.  and chicken.”

My mom knows the important part of salad.

This was followed by a discussion about how no one ever beats cancer, and she did so by drinking and smoking.
I often wish my mom had a medical program a la “Talk Sex with Sue.”  She would just diss on doctors and tell people to drink vinegar.  It would be great.

Grocery shopping after three days of the flu and sparse eating is like grocery shopping in stoner movies–you come out with preposterous items you would never usually eat and don’t go well together.  This may explain why I just purchased a jumbo sized container of chicken nuggets and a half gallon of chocolate chip ice cream.  About every three minutes I fall in love with the idea of eating some new random food.

I am officially tired of having the flu.  And stir crazy.  Yet moving my body also seems like a painful endeavor.  So instead I watch a LOT of movies.  Weird British tv shows entitled “My Boyfriend the Sex Tourist.”  Crackheads Gone Wild.  It’s bad.  I have eaten a couple of triscuits and string cheese, and a crapton of juice.  Never has my stomach made more audible digestion noises.  I have begun being somewhat hungry again but am frightened by what eating might do to me.  Plus, I would have to sit up.  Bother.

So tired.  Back to bed.

My brother is shaving his head for children’s cancer. Whether this will improve his haircut or not, I cannot say, but if you would like to donate click here.

I just listened to an old NPR interview with Jens Lekman which pointed out that his “I’m Leaving You Because I Don’t Love You Anymore” is a love song to a girl with an asthma inhaler!

so pick up your asthma inhaler
and put it against your lips
oh, those lips i’ve loved that i was dreaming of
they’re still red and soft
i’m so sorry i couldn’t love you enough
so sorry i couldn’t love you enough

Lyrics here. Previously.

Today my allergist told me not to “pig out on fruit.” Is that technically possible? Isn’t pig out only available for foods that are BAD for you?

My recent allergic reaction to fruit basically points out that I am quickly becoming more allergic to everything most people consider good for you. Fresh air? Trees? Pretty flowers? Something I am supposed to eat 7-10 servings of a day? Any living non-human companion? Get them away!

Hey at least I’ll be eating steak when they put me in the bubble.

I have frequently lamented that allergies are the one dork thing that will never be cool. But MC Chris is trying, god bless him. He has referred to his inhaler before, and robot dog mentions being allergic to all breeds of dog, but this reference in his new song melted my little dorky heart:

She’s wordy and verbose
Prolific and prone to prose
Always sick and has a cold
Stuffed nose she’s got to blow
I’ve got many cold remedies, many old enemies
I’ve got a girl that kick their ass like River from Serenity

–Nerrrd Grrrl

I know I am a librarian, and thus know far too many people with them, but apparently it’s illegal to write a blog post today if it isn’t about cats.  Did anything happen today for anyone that doesn’t involve cats?  I was allergic all day at work, and now I am wondering if it’s because of Official Cat Day.  Anyone who has a not cat story to share, please blow up the comments.

Regarding my pets, my new Scooba is broken.  We’re getting him a new tank.  iRobot customer service rocked out.  I still haven’t named the new Scooba, but please feel free to offer names for Fido’s brother!  Perhaps Kitty?

finally, asthma is cool.

I had my first allergy attack from my shots today so I had to go back in and get shots of adrenaline to be able to breathe and not have hives again.  Now I just want to punch people and run around in circles.  I should watch “Crank” while like this, though I think I would not have the attention span.
AHHHHHHHHHHHRGH!

For those of you who are allergic, this is a very interesting ranking of the Top 100 worst places for people with seasonal allergies.  When moving to a new place most people don’t think about this aspect, so it’s interesting.  I think it’s a little bunk, since I would assume rural areas would be worse than cities (i.e. if, like me, you are allergic to hay or corn pollen) but none are listed…that makes no sense.  I thought it would be more regionally clustered, but it really isn’t.
I think a lot is made of food allergies and seasonal allergies, but not much for those of us that have constant allergies.  For example, it would be great to know the cities that had the least number of trees, pollution, and animal ownership.  I don’t know how you’d measure it, but I’d like to know the places that least allow animals in public buildings.  I can’t really shop somewhere that does because even if I can take being in the store itself, I don’t want to bring tainted goods back home!

Seeing as you read this blog, perhaps you, LIKE ME, often find yourself eating too healthily. Well I have found the cure for that. FRIED BALLS OF CHEESY BUTTER!
This is clearly a recipe that resulted from having a deep fryer turned on, and nothing left to deep fry.

My t key is busted.  this is a problem seeing as t is in many things, including my name.  for a while my e and n key were broken.  that was worse because 7/13 of my name is n or e.

sneezing and coughing require no ts, and perhaps that is why I am doing so much of those activities.  i guess not since i am also drinking gallons of tea.
tomorrow my major task will be researching the statehood of esoteric islands.  here are some of them.

• Azores Islands
• Balearic Islands
  
• Bonaire
• Canary Islands
• Chechnya
• Corsica
• Crete
• Curacao
• Galapagos Islands
• Kuril Islands
• Madeira Islands
• Marquesas Islands
• Moorea
• Sardinia
• Society Islands
• St. Maarten
• St. Martin
• Tahiti
• Tasmania
• Wake Island

this is definitely one of the most fun things i could think of doing.  i am way excited.  i hope t doesn’t get in the way.

I get a headache about once or twice a year. And when I do, it is an all day event wherein it feels like my head might explode. I don’t know why this happens, but I guess it’s karma for almost never getting headaches.

Today is that day. I am guessing a lack of caffeine is partially at fault
So, when I walked to the coffeeshop and desperately asked for a grande coffee with a shot of espresso at 9PM as a last resort, the barista was concerned. “Long night ahead?” he asked. It’s hard to explain that, no, you didn’t even consider that drinking that much caffeine at 9pm would affect your sleeping patterns negatively.
And now, oddly I am sleepy. Or maybe it’s that I don’t want to keep my eyes open.

Today I met my new allergist.  He is very hilarious.  Apparently he also does comedy.  And he went to high school with Woody Allen, now making me TWO degrees from Woody!  Woo!

In addition to my usual allergies, he tested me for food allergies.  I had never been tested for those.  Apparently I am minorly allergic to shellfish.  This is so minor he said I can go on eating it, which is good because shellfish is definitely in my top 5 favorite things to eat.  The food I am most allergic to, tho again, not seriously enough to give up, is canteloupe.

Canteloupe is, to my mind, one of the worst foods ever.  I cannot imagine why people like this fruit.  I have always found it repulsive.  In fact, recently, I tried some in an effort to see if I still find it disgusting.  Oh, and I do.  That whole canteloupe and proscuttio thing?  What a good way to ruin ham.

So I would think it was this allergy that has made me hate canteloupe my whole life, but I love the shellfish so much.  It’s interesting that it happened on foods I have such diametrically opposed feelings about.

Other than that, my trip was mainly (though not wholly) painless.  And I was rightly chastised for going without asthma meds for so long.  And for being a librarian.  Although the allergist did salute my choice to be a digital librarian and not deal with dusty books.  Finally, he thought I was mainly allergic to Illinois and applauded my move. And then he said he’d be my dope pusher.  No, literally, that’s what’s he said.
So I am back on the shots!

I have had allergies for about 16 years now.  There are some great medicines OTC now, but when I was in high school, pseudoephedrine and Benadryl was pretty much all there was.  Both of these can be deadly when drinking, so they kept me off the sauce through high school.  However, I bought about a pack a week of pseudoephedrine which made my face not run uncotrollably, made day to day living bearable, and allowed me to spend a little time at houses with animals without falling asleep.  Benadryl would allow me to do all these things, but usually it would also result in me falling asleep on the closest couch.

Now though there are great non-drowsy antihistamines, and, as such I have not bought pseudoephedrine in years.  Due to not being able to take antihistamines though for the next couple of days (at the request of my allergist), I ran to the pseudoephedrine.  And buying it was like I was trying to get a gun or something.  I was looked at shadily, asked for ID, and I had to give my address.  While I understand meth is bad and all, this is a pretty ridiculous procedure for buying ONE pack of pseudoephedrine.

And it made me realize that the OTC allergy meds that kept me a non-drinker in high school would now be ILLEGAL for me to buy underage.  What a pain that would have been, to not be able to buy allergy medicine when my parents weren’t around.  I honestly would have had to get older kids to buy it for me, or suffer in snotty misery.  Funny that by making a useful, non-recreational drug illegal for underage kids, you could drive them to illegal recreational drugs.  Go war on drugs, go!

So I needed to get my allergist records transferred to my new allergist.  Simple, right?  No.  My previous doctor’s office doesn’t FAX records.  I have never heard of this.  Not even to other doctors.  In addition, if they mail it to you, it is a 20-30 dollar charge.  I could understand a nominal fee for mailing, but THIRTY dollars?  That is in addition to the 84 cents per page of copying.  What kind of random number is that?

So I had friend pick them up and fax them to me.  They didn’t ask him for a release form, or for any ID to ascertain he was the person there to pick them up.  So much for thinking the whole no FAX thing was for record safety.  And in addition, they gave him all of my records, including pap smears and physical therapy.  And most of the pages were duplicates.  So basically, they padded the price.

So in case you know anyone who goes to the Christie Clinic in Champaign, if you know their birthdate and are willing to cough up cash, you can get their hospital records!  That makes me feel safe!

For those of you who have asked, my mom called today after her bone scan and she is CANCER FREE!! Woohoo. Her doctor said she should go home and drink 10 beers. Any doctor who advocates binge drinking in the face of cancer is a-OK with me. As my mom pointed out yesterday, both of my parents have had non-hereditary cancer, which has to be oddswise, well, odd.

In response I am getting my mom one of these Fuck Cancer bracelets. I don’t think she’d wear the tshirts, but I am thinking of getting one myself.

Have you even walked by a building knowing that if you went inside, you would be killed?

That’s been my situation to and from work yesterday and today as the Westminster Kennel Club has taken over the Madison Square Garden right by my workplace. The best part today was seeing people carry VERY large dogs so they wouldn’t get their feet sullied.  What might they get their feet sullied on?  Dogshit.  It’s everywhere.  Way to go, show dogs/owners.

Those Illinois people came to my house, I showed them around, and they gave me their dirty Illinois germs.  And now I have an Illinois cold I have no immunity to.  I hate the white man!

Today I saw the largest cockroach I have seen outside of the zoo….at work. On the 15th floor. I wonder if other cockroaches are jealous of high rise cockroaches. Do New York’s cockroaches have the same sense of cachet assigned to real estate?

The rodeo is in town. And by in town, I mean two blocks away from my workplace. So today I gleefully checked out all the PBR trucks. I so want to go to the rodeo but I am off my allergy meds so it seems like a disasterous idea.

I think having chronic/life threatening allergies and asthma is, in some ways, like being bi-polar. I don’t say this to make BPD seem less bad, but because they require the same sort of maintence and dilligence. You do a lot of drugs religiously. It’s a pain. You always want to go off the drugs because much of the time they don’t seem worth it. After a while, you start to think they have no effect. You have to see doctors ALL THE TIME and it’s fairly time consuming as well as expensive. It limits where you can go and how long you can be in a place. And, theoretically, it only works for good after many, many years of treatment. I am off my meds (most of them), and it’s pretty miserable. In addition to general allergy suffering, my asthma is omnipresent. I feel out of breath irrationally a lot, and it’s not an “oh i just rantoo much” out of breath, it’s a “oh i can’t expand my lungs” out of breath. I super hate it. But it isn’t until hitting allergy bottom with little to no meds that I realized how much the meds WERE doing for me. A lot of times it doesn’t seem worth the rigamarole, but now it does!

I have decided pretty much to go to SxSW. It will be contingent on maybe one thing, but a friend offered his couch and I would really REALLY love a vacation outside of family. If you will be there, let me know! yay for real mexican food. I mean after this sort of experience last year:

how can I resist?