Law & Order SVU Exchange:

“I was just trying to help her up!”

“With your…penis?”

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“that’s because i kicked her in between her whoring legs!”

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“You shook that baby!  You shook that baby!  You shook that baby!  You shook that baby, Drew, and then you got your rocks off!” (Shaken Baby Syndrome)

“Find the hand, find the perp.”

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“Well somebody touched Megan Rose with a cheese grater!” (foster kids)

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“So she buys him breakfast and he rapes her for lunch.”

I have recently begun watching law & order.  I had oddly never seen an episode, and I am really not the kind of person who can only see part of a show and enjoy it.  As a person without a tv or cable, this essentially guaranteed I would never see an episode.

Now that I finally have, I do love it, much like everyone else.  So I started watching it in order–from season 1.  I am currently watching the SVU one, which is wall to wall assault on women & children.  It’s odd that there’s a show revolving around sexual assault but that means people say hilarious things on the show extremely seriously.  Things that in any other contexts would not fly on tv are said completely in passing on the show.  So I am beginning a new series.  Wacky Shit Said on SVU (followed by the weird sex act theme of the episode). Today’s are:

Never trust a woman with a pulse (sex with women in comas)

She’s hot but schoolgirls aren’t my scene. (pedophilia)

Why would I mess with jailbait when I can get it with her moms? (pedophilia)

Your little tadpoles swam in all by themselves. (pedophilia)

I have always been a strong believer in a spectrum of gray instead of a black & white/straight or gay idea of sexuality.  Today when I was re-signing up for FeedMe, a foodie dating experiment/tv show/social network, I was faced with their super excellent spectrum, food themed, of course:

• 0. Straight-up straight
• 
  1. Straight with a splash of gay
• 
  2. Straight with a side of gay
• 
  3. Surf ‘n’ Turf
• 
  4. Gay with plenty of straight
• 
  5. Gay with a splash of straight
• 
  6. Gay with nothin’ else
• 
  X. I only like food

The last one made me giggle.

The Mole has always been one of my favorite reality tv shows.  The first season had Anderson Cooper, and that itself would be good enough.  But it’s also the thinking man’s (or lying man’s) reality tv show.   Basically, someone on the show is working for the show to try and fake out the other people.  The viewer doesn’t know who the mole is.  The second season was “Celebrity Mole” with Kathy Griffin and Stephen Baldwin.  Brilliant.  I haven’t seen Seasons 3 or 4.

This season kind of sucks.  There’s really only one guy I like.  There was an awesome whiner who almost died anytime they had to do anything physical because he was malnourished and asthmatic.  But there is one good character I love/hate.  The faux Omarosa.  The bitchy character is a Chicago OB/GYN who won my heart on the first episode when someone told her she had to do something and her reply was, “All I have to do is stay black and die!”

I would not usually write about The Mole.  But here’s the odd thing.  Every episode, The Bitch character wears at least two different outfits that are emblazoned with UIUC insignias.  Who on earth has that many different pieces of college clothing!?  Though it is irrational, it totally makes me think she is the mole, and being paid by UIUC.  She’s not really giving UIUC a great reputation, unless their new ad campaign is, “The undergraduate institution which turns out spoiled brats who make a lot of money.”  Hmm that is somewhat true though I don’t know that they’d sing that from the hills.

I was obsessed with the show Today’s Special as a child. Every few years I would do some searching for it to no avail. Well the internet has caught up wih the late 80s!  YouTube has a bunch of great vids, including the intro.  It’s painfully musical (and the singing isn’t even very good) and Canadian, and the storyline revolves around a department store with a mannequin with a magical hat that turns him “real” or at least real in a gay high school musical sense of real.  The other characters are a dept. store window designer, a puppet security guard, and a talking puppet mouse.  I do not know for sure, but I think a talking puppet mouse would shock me more than a living mannequin with a magic hat.  In retrospect I have no idea why the mannequin didn’t leave the store when real a la Mannequin.  I haven’t been this excited since Danger Mouse came out.

Now to lose many hours to Zoobalie Zoo.

Seeking one date for Jerry Springer: The Opera starring Harvey Keitel.  Only serious offers considered.
I believe this is the only time I have been excited about opera.

Does anyone else watch Rachel Ray because they hate her so much?  I find myself subtly interpreting everything she says for maximum annoyingness, and shouting back at the tv, “Cheapskate!”  Yet I cannot look away!
No?  I am the only one?

So I have recently been obsessively interested in “To Catch a Predator.”  It’s transfixing, and in some ways, I think, totally wrong.  But it’s one of those “can you really do something wrong when it involves child molestation?” situations.  And, I love that all the child molesters are very chatty about stalking children online, and that people are so willing to send people naked photos of themselves.  Why are you doing this to any stranger on the internet, let alone a kid, idiot?
So I could not hide my complete excitement tonight when I turned on America’s Most Wanted (don’t judge me) and now they have RIPPED OFF To Catch a Predator.  I like theirs better in a way, because it’s better thought out, and John Walsh wears a Johnny Cashesque black outfit and leather.  But it’s not as in depth sadly.  The best part though is the decoy–the girl they get to play a 14 yr old is MISS AMERICA.  I find that totally surreal.

I love Penn Jillette.  So I started watching his game show Identity.  Basically there are 12 people and 12 “identities” and you match them up.  Identities are things like “podiatrist” or “speaks Vietnamese” or “age 35.”  It’s the Malcolm Gladwell blink thinking.

Except many, many of the people are famous.  Like, I know their name famous.  Cindy Margolis.  Craig Newmark.  Mary Lou Fucking Retton.  Seriously, MARY LOU RETTON.  Does any American born after 1980 not know Mary Lou Retton?  Okay so Lance Burton and Christopher Lowell aren’t household names perhaps, but JAIME KENNEDY?  Steve from Jerry Springer?  And while I didn’t know the name of the drummer for Skid Row or the lie detector guy they use on every reality tv show, I certainly RECOGNIZED them.  People on the show mention they know who these famous people are because of a “gut feeling” but it isn’t that.  They are on TV!
So either this is 1. the easiest game in the world or 2. I watch way too much tv.  Except the only tv show I watch is Lost.  So I am bewildered.  Has anyone seen this show?  Is it that I am oddly connected to popular culture, or did they get these contestants from a cave?

Everything’s coming up Full House for me. Even though I will still defend Jagged Little Pill as a guilty pleasure, only recently did I find out that “You Oughtta Know” was directed at FH’s Dave Coulier. Who knew? Well everyone apparently. It sort of ruined the song for me, you know, even more than it being played every 14 seconds in 1997. Anyway, though I will be ridiculed for admitting this for years to come, it is all in preparation for the genius of THIS.

Have Mercy, indeed.