My family isn’t a big pack of giftmongers.  We have a grab bag.  It’s 50 dollars.  It’s hard to think of a gift that is $50 and easily transportable in luggage that I wouldn’t have already bought myself.  Everyone gets everyone gift certificates.  It’s the pricey business I won’t buy for myself.  Here’s what I really want:

1. A cute, portable, USB record player with built in speakers.  While the Ion is the audiophile bet, I am in love with this one.
2. New knives and a knife skills class.  I have admitted that I am out of my depth here.  Please someone teach me to wield a knife right and proper.
3. A tour of North Korea during the Mass Games
4. A Stalin bust.  I prefer the turquoise but it’s all sold out.
5. A mini PC. That is powerful enough/has a large enough hard drive that I can bring it on trips to watch movies and email.
6. A Google Android.  I accept you as my overlords, Goog!
7. A see through clear umbrella
8. A year’s worth of cleaning ladies.
9. A breadmaker.
10. Lots of cute flowerpots, and the self watering bulb doohickeys.  I have a small army of succulents that I worry about.
11. Noise canceling headphones that do not go IN your ears, and are durable and very very portable.
12. A new messenger bag similar to this, in a dark color, that is washable and has many pockets for doohickeys and closes.
13. Brunch at Aquavit
14. Lunch at Momofuku Ko
15. Fish of the Month Club membership
16. A salmon fishing expedition
17. Tuition to sideshow school
18. Conjuring Arts Research Center Membership
19. Wii!
20. An RFID key chain such as this
21. A phrenology head
22. Etsy things! Like this necklace in silver, everything in doleangeliman’s store, especially this skeleton print and this sign print, a wood ring, this anchor in sterling, freak show signs like this, or a squid necklace.

What do you want?

All this talk about how historic the election because of the race of the President-elect is makes me wish for the real historic time when the race of our President won’t be news one way or the other.  Nothing says real acceptance like banality.

Going to my polling place today made me really happy and proud of our democracy.  I felt a lot brighter about it than I had in a long time.  As the night wore on, I felt worse and worse.  And it had nothing to do with who won.  The concession and acceptance speeches both emphasized (elequantly and importantly in my mind) the importance of different beliefs in America.  One of the few things McCain did right in his campaign was stress his voting with Republicans and Democrats.

People aren’t stupid just because they disagree with you.  People aren’t less American because they disagree with you.  In fact, people are more democratic for doing so.  Remember when a few years ago lefties brought out the “Dissent is American” pins?

Yeah they still apply to the minority even if you aren’t in it.

I really like the idea of America.  Like, really like it.  Like, broke down into tears at the Library of Congress like it.  I like OG America though, not really new America.  And though I call myself a Libertarian when pressed to choose a party, many people have argued I am not because several of my beliefs are completely out of line with Libertarian thought.  Which is wildly true, but 1. there’s not any other party which is CLOSER to my political beliefs and 2. We live in a country that is democratic and a republic, and thus, as the country was set up, some non-libertarian things must stand (notably, public education).

So, if you are sick of my snarky frustrated comments that are equally anti-McCain and Obama this season, you might want to stop here.  Otherwise, herein (woo–constitutional!) I will identify my strong political beliefs and we can all decide who I should vote for.

1. Immigration– I haven’t seen that big green lady with the sign up close, but I am pretty sure her whole deal is we accept anyone in any condition.  I don’t believe in illegal immigrants.  I think it’s hypocritical to have quotas.  While I am all for a citizenship test, and say, a certain number of years residence, I would prefer someone who busts their ass to get here and make a living be a citizen over a person born here who couldn’t answer the questions on the test.  I think it’s awesome that lots of people want to live in my country!  I think the main reason people are anti-naturalization is benefits.  So perhaps we should hinge that on other things?  I dunno.

2. Health care–Holy Jeebus, socialized health care is the only way to go.  At the very least for emergency health care, although I think study after study has shown that’s way more expensive than doing preventative health care as well.  The whole idea of a government is to protect their citizenry from harm.  That’s mainly taken to mean a standing army, but in this time period, I can’t imagine anything that prevents people from experiencing life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness like poor health care and bankrupting insurance.  And if the government has a monetary interest in the health of people, then maybe lobbyists for

3. Drugs–In the short term, I am for the legalization of all drugs (all.  all.  yes, heroin.  yes, all.) regulated in the same way cigarettes or booze is.  States can determine more extreme laws to regulate that if they want, but clean, taxed, less stigmatized drugs equals a lot of money for most governments and less people dying of bad drugs/wacky dosages.

4. Abortion–I am a very rational person, generally.  This is an area in which I am not rational.  Abortion, legal all kinds, all times.  No consent forms.

5. Taxes–I am no economist.  This is generally out of my depth, as it is for most Americans.  But I am very pro a waaaaaaaaaaay more simplified tax situation.  No writeoffs, religions (and religiously derived non-profits) are taxed, including property.  Companies are taxed.  No, really, how they actually should be, no writeoffy lobbyists.  Flat taxes for them!  Woo!  And no tax breaks for having children.

6. Education–All the Education money gets divided equally per student, with maybe some differences for cost of living. Definitely kids should be allowed to go to any public school, regardless of district.  More magnet schools, including for disadvantages as well as advantages (i.e. magnet school for kids with XYZ learning disability).  Way more stringent rules on home schooling.  No funding for school sports.  Again this is an area I could know a lot more about and I don’t have a complete solution.  But I strongly believe as, say, Thomas Jefferson did, that a democracy rests on an educated electorate.  I would also like it if religions could not have schools.  But I think that’s not based in any reason.  Just my personal dislike of religions.

7. Marriage–I don’t want gays to be able to legally marry, but I also don’t want heterosexuals to either.  Marriage (as currently construed) has no place in a legal venue.  It’s a religious bond.  Yay.  So civil unions for everyone, which include property/financial rights, next of kin, custody, etc.  No tax breaks for getting married, either.

8. Transportation–Driving a car should be extremely more expensive in America.  And carry way more responsibility.  Drinking (or drugging) and driving should ban you from operating a car, first time, for years.  Five, maybe?  Also, in urban centers, cars would be banned from most places in Jennylandia.  And by banned, I mean prohibitively expensive.  Taxing vehicles in large urban centers would give us enough money to build a far more extensive public transit infrastructure, a la Europe.  Driving tests would be way harder and driving instruction far more professional/required.  I love that there’s all this talk about finding new driving technology so we are not so dependent on other countries’ oil, when this country used to have a public transit infrastructures in most cities that would have avoided the need for cars in most places.

9. Environment–More nuclear power plants, simply.  Water, wind, wolar, that’s cool too.  Some research on alternates to gasoline for the short term.

10. Guns–I like them.  I feel very uncertain about how to legislate them.  Essentially, if you force people to register their guns, you are defeating the purpose of having them in case of a rogue government.  I know legal gun owners aren’t the problem.  And I think legalizing concealed weapons is great.

11. Foreign Policy–I know the secret to “why they hate us”–it’s that we are in a freaking codependent relationship with Israel.  We need to cut that out.  I know it’s unpopular to say, but historically we have always backed terrorists who kill tons of innocent people.  We just happen to like certain terrorists more than others.  Let’s stop that.  Also, can we start treating Putin like the crazy, crazy KGB agent he really is?  And not be all buddy buddy with a dictator who kills all opposing forces in the media?  That would be amazing.  Also, could we stop bombing civilians anywhere? I agree that just leaving Iraq tomorrow would make that whole region way more unstable, but I don’t think forcing people who hate us to make a “democracy” that idolizes America will work out either.  Do we really need another country where we will have military bases FOREVER?  A hasty look at the pornography of Germany and Japan says that our intervention has seriously messed up those countries in a deep, deep (no pun intended) way.

12. Civil liberties/torture– Uh clearly PATRIOT is evil, and I wouldn’t vote for anyone who voted for it.  The president and even federal government should not have as much power as it currently does.  Also, all people “detained”/arrested should get the full rights of any American citizen–habeas corpus, miranda, charges and arrest before incarceration, lawyers present, no torture etc.  Torture, while a moral issue, is more important here as an information issue.  As these are my areas of expertise (information AND confession.  it’s a useful intersection of expertise at this juncture), unlike, say, the economy, torture produces a lot of information.  Information that is unreliable, and, unless you have some other way to corroborate it (and, if you did, why would you be torturing someone?), is useless.  There are about 4 trillion studies that also show that people who torture will get crazy, and will not be able to keep it professional/aimed at actual answers.  Has anyone who is pro-torture ever watched Lost?  Seriously it doesn’t work.  http://dir.salon.com/story/opinion/feature/2004/06/21/torture_algiers/index.html

13. Military–not my area of expertise either, but I think universal military service is a great idea.

14. Foreign Aid–Helping other people is good.  And I’ll be all for helping other people in other countries when everyone in this country is adequately fed and clothed, well, and literate.  Get back to me when that happens, Bono.

Alright these are the basics.  So who should I vote for?

If you have been to my house you know I always have too many magazines. Magazines everywhere! That’s why when Li-Shen sent me this way of making tables out of magazines I was very happy! Now I just have to read a few and bam, instant table.

A post on the Google blog post pointed out that New Orleans has street view on Google Maps now.  A lot of it is really good.  And a lot of it makes me ashamed to be American.  I urge you to take a look.  Flood St. is a great place to start.  The number of moving vans you see in these, and the advertisements for home buying, are interesting.

Dwight Yoakam used to do impressions of Richard Nixon.

*According to wikipedia

I have always been a strong believer in a spectrum of gray instead of a black & white/straight or gay idea of sexuality.  Today when I was re-signing up for FeedMe, a foodie dating experiment/tv show/social network, I was faced with their super excellent spectrum, food themed, of course:

• 0. Straight-up straight
• 
  1. Straight with a splash of gay
• 
  2. Straight with a side of gay
• 
  3. Surf ‘n’ Turf
• 
  4. Gay with plenty of straight
• 
  5. Gay with a splash of straight
• 
  6. Gay with nothin’ else
• 
  X. I only like food

The last one made me giggle.

(that’s the wedding march if you didn’t understand my humming. )

I am going to approximately a kajillion and four weddings this year, so I thought I would point out this bit of wisdom I found in a CHOW article I was reading.  It is succinct and brilliant:

“Better to have hors d’oeurves and cocktails only, with no main course, than to have a cash bar.”

My corollary would be “If you are not having a bar*, tell me beforehand so I can bring a flask.”

*And honestly, if you are not, how did I get invited to this wedding, because we’re not friends.

The Museum of Jurassic Technology is one of my favorite places in the whole wide world.  I think my life insurance goes to them.  If you are ever in LA, you should go.  Why do I say this now?  Because the MJT showed up in the oddest (but most totally appropriate place) today.

Lonelygirl15!

NOW by typing this I am totally outing myself as an LG15 watcher, which I totally am.  Though the las few turns have totally pained me (”the microchip contained something in BINARY! How do we figure that OUT?”), they were led to a mysterious museum.  THE MJT!!!  How many chances does a half real half not real museum get to participate in a half real show?   Awesome.

Now you can commence making fun of me for watching LG15.  But that Jonas is so hott!

The Netflix Suggestion Engine gave me some funny recommendations today.  Why did it think I liked Beyonce and Cher, I wondered.  Oh, because of stereotypes.

 The Beyonce Experience: Live
Because you enjoyed:

When the Levees Broke

Clearly these two films are very similar.  Anyone who cares about the most racist miscarriage of justice in contemporary America must also love Bootylicious.

Cher: The Farewell Tour

Because you enjoyed:Showgirls

The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

Oh, the shame.  I like trashy films and Dolly Parton.  Damn you, Netflix, I do not like Cher.

Do other people think things like, “Oh awesome–this dirndl inspired shirt is totally perfect for the Holocaust denier lecture I am going to.”

I totally wish all clothing was dirndl inspired because they look particularly awesome on me.  Not because I go to a lot of Holocause denial events.

While looking for something online, I found a torrent of Mormon films.  I have watched three so far and they are really interesting. They are all pretty comedic/romantic because they almost always (so far) center around Utah and getting married.  And all mention how they don’t like swearing.  Frequently there are some references to no caffeine or alcohol.  I think it’s interesting that Mormon movies are pretty much playing into every Mormon stereotype ever.  They also all seem to have a rockin theme song written for them with the title of the movie in it.

I am in the middle of “Church Ball” about the mean streets of Mormon church basketball. An odd topic to be sure, but odder still it stars Andrew Wilson, Clint Howard, Gary Coleman, ad Fred Willard with an eye patch.

What?  How did that happen?  Fred Willard?

Next up is Mobsters and Mormons, starring the former host of Studs, Marc DeCarlo.  I cannot wait to be offended by see it.

Can I just mention how excited I am that this recent salmonella outbreak (which is terrible and horrible) is veggie related?  You know in ten years when I mention eating a tomato, no one is ever going to say, “OH I’d never eat those! All those people got salmonella from them!”  Yet any time I mention how much I love Jack in the Box, I get a hearty laugh and people say they’d NEVER eat there (even though fewer people got sick in that incident, and JitB now has the most extensive food safety testing of pretty much any restaurant) because of their food poisoning incident.   I mean it’s horrible that we have to be skeptical or frightened of any food, but the fact that, for some reason we have been frightened into believing things that grow from a literal pile of excrement are less likely to make us sick than things protected from it by hide is bizarre to me.  Obviously proper handling is necessary for both, and there are temperature issues for meat, but how saintly are vegetables that it never occurred to people that they too could poison people?

Now I want a Jack taco.  Sadly the nearest one is over 600 miles away.

I love this image, but I must ask, why the wicker chair?

The Mole has always been one of my favorite reality tv shows.  The first season had Anderson Cooper, and that itself would be good enough.  But it’s also the thinking man’s (or lying man’s) reality tv show.   Basically, someone on the show is working for the show to try and fake out the other people.  The viewer doesn’t know who the mole is.  The second season was “Celebrity Mole” with Kathy Griffin and Stephen Baldwin.  Brilliant.  I haven’t seen Seasons 3 or 4.

This season kind of sucks.  There’s really only one guy I like.  There was an awesome whiner who almost died anytime they had to do anything physical because he was malnourished and asthmatic.  But there is one good character I love/hate.  The faux Omarosa.  The bitchy character is a Chicago OB/GYN who won my heart on the first episode when someone told her she had to do something and her reply was, “All I have to do is stay black and die!”

I would not usually write about The Mole.  But here’s the odd thing.  Every episode, The Bitch character wears at least two different outfits that are emblazoned with UIUC insignias.  Who on earth has that many different pieces of college clothing!?  Though it is irrational, it totally makes me think she is the mole, and being paid by UIUC.  She’s not really giving UIUC a great reputation, unless their new ad campaign is, “The undergraduate institution which turns out spoiled brats who make a lot of money.”  Hmm that is somewhat true though I don’t know that they’d sing that from the hills.

If you look at my Flickr stream at all you may have noticed the low quality of my pictures.  This is not due to my usual lack of talent, but because my camera is dying and I am now taking most photos with my iSight.  So I need a new camera.  Despite having spent enough time developing my own film to make me sterile, I know little about actual camera things.  Though I have polled friends, they have little to say.  Does anyone have any recommendations?  I don’t want a serious camera–I want one that will make me look like I know what I am doing, is tiny, and withstands my abuse (oddly, much like my list for potential mates).  Also, moderately priced.  Again, like my choice in suitors.

Any rave reviews or complaints would be welcome.

It is very difficult to avoid the presidential election process. This is very hard when your business is news.  I don’t care, and the primary annoys me.  In November, I will care.  Now I do not.  And this morning I realized I think why it annoys me so much.  Because I am still totally confused as to why people think Obama is so awesome/different/better than candidates before him.  Obviously his PR, personal style, and speaking ability distinguish him.  But the fact that he’s already backpedaled his strong beliefs (Rev. Wright scandal) and avoids stating any strong beliefs that might be controversial is just more of the same political machine it seems to me.

Yes, of course, everyone in this situation (war, healthcare, economy) loves change.  But that depends whether your change involves blaming America for 9/11.  I just see no definition of what these platitudes mean, and when there is definition it’s still so slimy politician what you want to hear.  What I’d love to really hear is an educated candidate who say, “Yeah I don’t agree with everything my preacher says, but clearly the US Government has been shafting black people for a long time.” or, “YeS our involvement in Israel is a root cause of 9/11.” But he doesn’t do that, he says something bland instead.  Can anyone help explain why they have an Obama crush?

My family can’t keep track of my friends.  They make fun of me that I have friends in every city. And a friend mentioned today that I travel a lot.  Except I was sad I was doing so little traveling this year.  Ha.  I take for granted never staying in one place, always having someone in the next port.

And I have been in a relative (to me) slump, and lots of people called, texted, emailed, or came by plane, train, or car to help me out.  Not because I asked, or not necessarily just to see me, but that’s how my friends are.  They’ll take a 4 hour bus trip to see me when I am in a town nearby.  And I will do the same.  And you might not think that’s weird, but I think most people do.  Because a lot of people won’t even pick you up at the airport 15 mins from their house.  And my friends will.  Because they are super, super awesome.

And I am not the easiest person to help.  As my friend Grace said, “You are the most independent person I know.”  I take that as an extreme compliment, but I am realizing it’s also a bad thing.  Or it can be.  My favorite movie is Showgirls, and though people ridicule it (as do I), there’s a scene where the main character (who runs out of every scene rather than deal with anything) is told:

“You got your arms straight out, saying, ‘Back off, motherfucker.’”
“Yeah, you got that down. BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER!”

It’s my nature to have my hands straight out yelling, “Back off, motherfucker.” (Hereafter referred to as BOMF). I don’t need your help, why won’t you just let me do it by myself?  It’s a hereditary stubbornness, combined with an upbringing where I could never do anything alone.  I am hardwired to do things for myself, by myself, and I am not comfortable with asking for help or even realizing when people are offering it.  Asking for help feels like conning a mark to me.  But my friends are awesome, because they help anyway.  They self-correct for my BOMFy tendencies.  And that’s good.  I know a few other BOMFy people and I think sometimes we just have to be sat down (literally or metaphorically) by our friends and told to accept help.

So, thanks everyone.  You rule.  Whether you force me to leave the house, listen to my late-night calls, take my ims, offer advice, realize when I am roundaboutly asking for help because you know it’s hard for me to ask directly, or get out of the way when I am yelling, “Back off, motherfucker!” you are helping.  And I am trying to put my hands down and shut up more often.

Everything you need to know you can learn from Showgirls, in my opinion.  In the future, all writing will prove that.

I was obsessed with the show Today’s Special as a child. Every few years I would do some searching for it to no avail. Well the internet has caught up wih the late 80s!  YouTube has a bunch of great vids, including the intro.  It’s painfully musical (and the singing isn’t even very good) and Canadian, and the storyline revolves around a department store with a mannequin with a magical hat that turns him “real” or at least real in a gay high school musical sense of real.  The other characters are a dept. store window designer, a puppet security guard, and a talking puppet mouse.  I do not know for sure, but I think a talking puppet mouse would shock me more than a living mannequin with a magic hat.  In retrospect I have no idea why the mannequin didn’t leave the store when real a la Mannequin.  I haven’t been this excited since Danger Mouse came out.

Now to lose many hours to Zoobalie Zoo.

I wish Andrew WK were my life coach.

I love postcards.  I always write them when on vacation but I almost never send them.  I am thinking of working on that by sending someone a postcard once a week.  Would you like to get postcards?  If so, send me your address at snailmailpostcards at gmail.  Even if you know I know your address, send it there as a sign up.  Potentially I will be taking pics of the postcards I send.  It’s like the opposite of PostSecret!  PostNotSecret.

Dear Germany, Finland, & Austria,

Thanks for taking the heat off of America.   You have been upping the crazy recently.  Sure, we have school shootings, but you have been kicking it old school.  Which suits you, since you are America Old School.  First you had your own school shooting, Finland.  Then you, Austria, had the second kids raised in an incest cellar episode.  The story doesn’t even make sense–there’s about eight parts of the story that seem impossible (who doesn’t go in their cellar for 22 years?).  And it’s the second time it happened there!  Is Flowers in the Attic available in German translation?  Because I bet it would be selling like hotcakes right now.

And then today, frozen babies found by their siblings in Germany.  What is going on Europe?   Is the crazy tied to the Euro to dollar ratio and it’s finally swung around to you in a big way?  Or are you just so bored with the American political news you had to step it up?  I mean the rest of the world is trying with volcano eruptions and Earthquakes in the Midwestern US, and the crazy fundie mormons, but kudos, Europe.  Way to school us.

All my love,

~J

I never thought I would see Spike Lee tell someone to stop talking about racial issues.  What would Mookie say?

though maybe not in the way I would have liked.

So last night I watched the film Urban Cowboy.  And I can’t think of a film that I have seen in a long time that is so foreign to my understanding of human interaction.  Firstly, why is an Italian-American playing a hick?  I have no idea.  Secondly, the plot could be summarized as a woman breaking up with an abusive husband for an abusive boyfriend.  The end of the story is the abusive husband beating up the abusive boyfriend for abusing his wife?  I am so confused.  This wins her love back.  Really?

Also, the major disagreement of the entire film is that this woman wants to ride a mechanical bull but her husband will not let her.  I mean he is really angry about her mechanical bull riding.  Has anyone in the history of the world ever broken up a marriage over a mechanical bull disagreement?  How was this movie pitched as real-seeming?  And at first he seems angry about it because it might hurt her, but then he is sort of angry because she is good at it?  Is she supposed to seem like kind of a slut for being good at bull riding?

Also, who puts a punching bag in a bar?  That just seems like a recipe for a fight.   The climax of the film is an indoor rodeo with a dance contest.  Instead of joining a mechanical bullriding contest, why didn’t both of them join the dance contest?  Clearly the film shows they are better at dancing than bullriding and they both agree about it.  Also, how do you score a mechanical bull for rodeo?  I am mystified.  If I were from a rural area, I would feel like this movie was my “The Jazz Singer.”

However, any film with a Dolly Parton lookalike contest is not all bad.

On a layover in the Cincinnati airport (which may actually be a bus station that my plane happened to land at), I had about three minutes to pick up a sandwich. I signed my credit card bill with my usual haste (my signature includes 6 letters, tops) and rearranged everything I was carrying. The woman behind the counter stopped me and asked if I was an artist. I replied in the negative and she began listing off other creative occupations. Musician, maybe? I was starved, sleep deprived, and in a hurry so I couldn’t figure out what she was getting at. I wasn’t dressed odd, but I thought to myself, “Maybe I look hip for Cincinnati?”*

Finally she said that my signature is indicative of high levels of creativity. She was sad when I said I do things “with computers (hey, I was tired).” I was interested in this assessment, but when I said something self-deprecating about how messy my handwriting was she said it was so, but in a designed/artistic way.

Take that Queens Board of Elections, who finds my signature too arty to allow me to vote. And now I am sad to have let down an airport newsstand clerk who has an awesome hobby. I didn’t want to tell her I pretty much do the opposite of art, though I do use the whiteboard more than my coworkers.

*Though I spent scant minutes in Cin City, and they were all in the airport, I definitely did get a sense that even boring me was way hipper than your average person coming through the Cincinnati bus station airport.

Remember when widget commonly meant a generic product and NOT a small piece of software?  What are econ teachers using now instead?
I also kind of miss when you would play music to death and you could see the physical effects/degredation.  That DK tape with the worn off letters and the snaggly bit near “Holiday in Cambodia.”  While this is silly from a preservation standpoint, I kind of miss seeing the physical effects of loving music so much.  The Smiths section of my hard drive will never outwardly show more wear than the other parts.

On this super mega-important day in the democracy [sarcasm], I recall one of my favorite Bill Hicks bits:
“I’ll show you politics in America right here.  ‘I believe the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.’ ‘Well, I believe the puppet on the left is more to my liking.’ Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding up both puppets! ‘Go back to bed, America, your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection, watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer.’”

In etsy’s continuing plan to choke me on material goods, I really now want wooden knuckles.