Yesterday was my mom’s 69th birthday. Go mom!

Today she finds out if she has cancer or not.

You know, most birthday cards become extremely offensive when you are looking for a birthday card for someone who could get a huge mortality check the day after their birthday. It’s all cards like “haha! you’re so old! you’re gonna die!” It’s really horrible!

I opted for a card about drinking beer.

So a lot of airlines now don’t have nuts theoretically because too many people are deahly allergic to them.  I think it’s actually the airlines being cheap, but hey, in this case let me give them the benefit of the doubt.

Airlines allow people to bring pets on board though.  Yes, I can mitigate my allergy, but having had an asthma attack while on allergy meds, I’d prefer not to find out if they are working in the recycled air of a plane full of allergens miles above civilization.  The best is that even though regulations usually require a pet to be in a cage, people always take them out and play with them, pass em around, and flight attendants do nothing.

I don’t understand why planes still allow this, especially in these times of cutbacks.  If I can’t even bring luggage, why can people still bring Meowzers?

A post on the Google blog post pointed out that New Orleans has street view on Google Maps now.  A lot of it is really good.  And a lot of it makes me ashamed to be American.  I urge you to take a look.  Flood St. is a great place to start.  The number of moving vans you see in these, and the advertisements for home buying, are interesting.

(that’s the wedding march if you didn’t understand my humming. )

I am going to approximately a kajillion and four weddings this year, so I thought I would point out this bit of wisdom I found in a CHOW article I was reading.  It is succinct and brilliant:

“Better to have hors d’oeurves and cocktails only, with no main course, than to have a cash bar.”

My corollary would be “If you are not having a bar*, tell me beforehand so I can bring a flask.”

*And honestly, if you are not, how did I get invited to this wedding, because we’re not friends.

Can I just mention how excited I am that this recent salmonella outbreak (which is terrible and horrible) is veggie related?  You know in ten years when I mention eating a tomato, no one is ever going to say, “OH I’d never eat those! All those people got salmonella from them!”  Yet any time I mention how much I love Jack in the Box, I get a hearty laugh and people say they’d NEVER eat there (even though fewer people got sick in that incident, and JitB now has the most extensive food safety testing of pretty much any restaurant) because of their food poisoning incident.   I mean it’s horrible that we have to be skeptical or frightened of any food, but the fact that, for some reason we have been frightened into believing things that grow from a literal pile of excrement are less likely to make us sick than things protected from it by hide is bizarre to me.  Obviously proper handling is necessary for both, and there are temperature issues for meat, but how saintly are vegetables that it never occurred to people that they too could poison people?

Now I want a Jack taco.  Sadly the nearest one is over 600 miles away.

The Mole has always been one of my favorite reality tv shows.  The first season had Anderson Cooper, and that itself would be good enough.  But it’s also the thinking man’s (or lying man’s) reality tv show.   Basically, someone on the show is working for the show to try and fake out the other people.  The viewer doesn’t know who the mole is.  The second season was “Celebrity Mole” with Kathy Griffin and Stephen Baldwin.  Brilliant.  I haven’t seen Seasons 3 or 4.

This season kind of sucks.  There’s really only one guy I like.  There was an awesome whiner who almost died anytime they had to do anything physical because he was malnourished and asthmatic.  But there is one good character I love/hate.  The faux Omarosa.  The bitchy character is a Chicago OB/GYN who won my heart on the first episode when someone told her she had to do something and her reply was, “All I have to do is stay black and die!”

I would not usually write about The Mole.  But here’s the odd thing.  Every episode, The Bitch character wears at least two different outfits that are emblazoned with UIUC insignias.  Who on earth has that many different pieces of college clothing!?  Though it is irrational, it totally makes me think she is the mole, and being paid by UIUC.  She’s not really giving UIUC a great reputation, unless their new ad campaign is, “The undergraduate institution which turns out spoiled brats who make a lot of money.”  Hmm that is somewhat true though I don’t know that they’d sing that from the hills.

While many things the American Family Association does would probably offend me on many levels, now they seem to be messing with me personally.  Via Sarah, they are replacing the word gay with homosexual in all AP stories.  That’s all fine by me except when people have the name Gay.  Hey there, I work hard to make those stories not get homosexual.  Way to mess up my hard work, jerks.  Ah I love that Tyson Homosexual, don’t you?

It is incomprehensible to me that people don’t like singing karaoke when drunk.  Even more incomprehensible is people who don’t like singing karaoke but still COME TO KARAOKE.  People, that’s like coming to a nude beach in an Amish dress.

Perhaps this stems from my inability to understand shyness.

Today I unfortunately found really, really horrible pornography on flickr.   In a way, I am shocked I have used Flickr for this long without finding very unattractive people having sex.  Bikers can be very unattractive people, and biker women really don’t like wearing a bra.  If there’s anything I have learned today it is to wear a bra and sunscreen all the time.  Yet all of these very (to my mind) horrifically unattractive people had lots and lots of fans even even though I would say the majority of their boobs fell into the generally accepted as unattractive “pancake” or “stretch mark” varieties.

Of course, I could not keep these horrifying photos to myself.  I shared.  And my friend, over IM, replied:

2:14
you are a classificationist
2:14
you’ve classified tits

And there you go.  They call it a discipline because it puts rules around the way you think.  Even about boobs, apparently.

Today I saw Tim Berners-Lee speak about linked data/ontologies/the semantic web.   In addition to being the inventor of the WWW, he has really interesting ideas about women in engineering/computery things.  Now I am no engineer, but in a room of a couple hundred people men, I saw maybe 10 women.  Now, first, this is not news. But maybe it’s working with a lot of librarians which has lulled me into a female-dominated, computer-haxx0r haze.  Seriously I cannot recall when I have been in a room with fewer women (relatively), and I went to a high school with a male to female 3:1 ratio.  In fact I think this is certifiably the only time in my life where I have been the most feminine person in the room by a LONG SHOT (I was wearing a dress.  With pink flowers on it.).  And also the only woman under…40ish (that I saw).  I am not uncomfortable in male-dominated situations.  I am not uncomfortable being the youngest person in the room (though when that is taken to mean I am an idiot, it starts to grate).  I am not uncomfortable at a tech conference.    Yet, I was uncomfortable in that room.  While I was not at the conference very long, not one person spoke to me.  They did stare doubtfully at me though when TBL asked if people were familiar with the topic he was discussing, and I was the only person who raised my hand at my table.

So what I am saying, is even in this area, TBL knows what he is talking about.

the fact that I am drenched in sweat from making GAZPACHO should give you an idea of how exremely hot it is here.  Apparently we’re geting thunderstorms and then it will get HOTTER, which seems to defy everything I know about weather.

send ice!

We went back to 50 degrees and rainy, making me do a happy dance.  However allergens did not leave with summer weather.  Math problem: Q. If today is a .2 in pollen count and I feel bad, and Sat. is an 8.9, how bad will I feel this weekend? A. Really, really bad.

I hate that there is no pollen count broken down anything more specific than “trees=number.”  Perhaps allergists don’t want you to have more specific info than that so you’ll go in?  I have no idea.

I am sure everyone at this point is like, “Shut the fuck up about your allergies.” but I have never been this bad on just a day to day basis.  I thought this was supposed to be getting better, not worse.

It is very difficult to avoid the presidential election process. This is very hard when your business is news.  I don’t care, and the primary annoys me.  In November, I will care.  Now I do not.  And this morning I realized I think why it annoys me so much.  Because I am still totally confused as to why people think Obama is so awesome/different/better than candidates before him.  Obviously his PR, personal style, and speaking ability distinguish him.  But the fact that he’s already backpedaled his strong beliefs (Rev. Wright scandal) and avoids stating any strong beliefs that might be controversial is just more of the same political machine it seems to me.

Yes, of course, everyone in this situation (war, healthcare, economy) loves change.  But that depends whether your change involves blaming America for 9/11.  I just see no definition of what these platitudes mean, and when there is definition it’s still so slimy politician what you want to hear.  What I’d love to really hear is an educated candidate who say, “Yeah I don’t agree with everything my preacher says, but clearly the US Government has been shafting black people for a long time.” or, “YeS our involvement in Israel is a root cause of 9/11.” But he doesn’t do that, he says something bland instead.  Can anyone help explain why they have an Obama crush?

Hi! I have several times tried to use your services–maybe a book or internet access. But all of your books are from 1973 and your storefront library leaves little to be desired. But you are close to my dad’s house and I need the internet. I call to ask you if you have “wi-fi.” You say, “what?” After a while I clarify I would like wireless internet, and you say you have it but I need a library card. Really? Okay, I have the ID and 2 pieces of mail you require to get one. When I come in to do so, you say my Netflix envelopes are “junk mail” and do not count. When I explain I bank and bill online you make fun of me.

So no internet will be given to me today by you. I wonder why I am the only patron in your library. Oh wait, I don’t, customer serviceless library. I don’t at all. I will go to the library .5 miles away that also has the free wifi for everyone.

I see you sitting behind me on the plane in coach announcing to your friend on the phone that the 600K you make at work is “tight.”  Then why are you behind me in coach?

I understand you don’t have a lot of leg room, what with your huge, huge cock requiring you to spread your legs wide open.  It must be hard for you to corral them during takeoff while I have to LEGALLY put my laptop under the seat as asked by the stewardess.  You could suck it up for three minutes.  You could ask me to move it.  But I forgot rules do not apply to you.  What will you do instead?  Oh yes, kick my machine, repeatedly harder and harder until it dislodges onto the floor.

So will you be giving me the 2K for a replacement in cash?   Or will I just copiously fart on you the entire plane ride?

I think we both know the answer,

~J

I love my Roomba–it was cheap and refurbished but it runs consistently and awesome.  I have never had a problem with it, even though the internet is filled with tons of people with 4 pets complaining it broke in their house.

So I bought the Scooba, even though there was some naysaying on the internet.  Oh boy has this been a nightmare.  I am on my THIRD ONE.  They keep replacing it, because not one of them have worked.  My last one was beyond the 90-day warranty period and they weren’t going to send me a new one because of this, until I pointed out much of those 90 days were taken up at their service facility.  I just tried out my third one to no avail and sent in a new complaint.  I bought this Scooba the day after Thanksgiving and have yet to see it work.  On top of that, each iteration I have received has worked LESS than its predecessor!

If you want a Roomba, run out and buy one.  If you’re thinking about a Scooba, maybe, think again.

If you get a porno mag, it often comes wrapped in plastic.  I get that.  Guess what else does.  Out Magazine.  Wow, talk about living up to the title, huh?

Is there a place I can move with less vegetation and fewer trees than NYC?  Because clearly there’s too many here, as I want to poke myself in the eye every 12 seconds.  Stupid trees.

Why is it cheaper to fly from NYC to Moline, IL than from NYC to CHICAGO, even when there is a layover IN Chicago.  You know, Chicago, busiest airport in the freaking country?

If I just buy the Moline ticket and get off in Chicago will people think I am a terrorist?

Dear Allergies,

Though I deeply respect your interest in the recreation of Classical Greek drama,  it is really unnecessary to use your powers to make me want to constantly claw out my own eyes.  Pick on some other schmo.  Maybe one who has slept with their mother.

Toodles,

~J

So last night I was boiling some water on my gas stove and I spilled water into the burner. The burner went out ad would not reignite. The burners on the right side of the range are fine and work normally. The left side–not so much. When I turn them on, gas comes out but they do not light. I turned them all off and thought I would just wait until it dried itself off. Now I sort of smell gas once in a while. Is this paranoia, or is there any possible way a gas stove completely shut off would exhibit this behavior? It seems illogical to me. I called the gas company and they agreed with me, but I am freaked.

EDITED TO ADD

Let me rephrase. The nonlighting of half of my burners is not the concern. The fact that my house smells like gas a day after I spilled water inside is. I have aired it out. I have looked under the hood and nothing is lit, but it doesn’t appear anything should be–I am pretty sure this oven has an electric ignitor. I am not lighting anything until it doesn’t smell like gas anymore.  Also the oven and other burners are still lit, so I don’t think the pilot light would be out anyway.

I called and asked the gas man, but he said it would be fine after it dries out, though he didn’t address the fact that it smells like gas. If it still does so tonight I will call again. But I guess my direct question is, if I get water inside the range is there any reason it should smell like gas for a day later? It seems like there’s nothing that spilling water in should trigger to let gas leak.

Thanks for the help!

If you lived in Italy, but grew up in Germany, and you came to New York City, what is the food you’d be LEAST likely to choose to eat?  Probably Italian.  Yet, that’s exactly what the Pope is getting.  Poor Pope.  Get the guy a knish!  Or some Asian fusion!  Some cheesecake!   Who takes a visitor out for their own food?

Also are people really afraid someone’s going to poison the Pope’s food?  What is this 1600?   Does the Pope wield and power whatsoever?  I am still exceedingly perplexed why anyone who isn’t Catholic cares about this.

When you spill two completely full glasses of water all over yourself and your desk in two SEPARATE incidents in one day, what is the universe trying to tell you?  Drink more tea, I assume.

Me want.

I know I am a librarian, and thus know far too many people with them, but apparently it’s illegal to write a blog post today if it isn’t about cats.  Did anything happen today for anyone that doesn’t involve cats?  I was allergic all day at work, and now I am wondering if it’s because of Official Cat Day.  Anyone who has a not cat story to share, please blow up the comments.

Regarding my pets, my new Scooba is broken.  We’re getting him a new tank.  iRobot customer service rocked out.  I still haven’t named the new Scooba, but please feel free to offer names for Fido’s brother!  Perhaps Kitty?

When I was a kid, my mom took me to the mall a lot. Outdoor, 70s-type malls that were bigger than 90s strip malls. And a lot of them had public art. The art was pretty contemporary, and “out there” and often, fake paranormal exhibits, or Rube Goldberg machines. I LOVED these things. I remember the day they took the magical moving rock away. You could see the wires left bare, and the magical moving rock sign was still there. It was like finding out there was no Santy Claus.

My favorite art mall was the Cermak Plaza in Berwyn, IL. It had car pelts…..flattened cars hung like bear rugs. It also had this AMAZING landfill commentary sculpture made of old household appliances. It was torn down when I was a kid. But the biggest, most spectacular piece was the car spindle.

You might know it better from Wayne’s World. But it’s really in Berwyn, not Aurora.

The parking lot of where the car spindle is was probably the last place I ever drove a car (in driver’s ed), ironically. I have taken many people there over the years, and the longer it stands, the more I wonder, “Cars were really that big? Why?” The last time I went there, we were in a Honda Civic. It looked miniscule! Using consumer trash and cars for art in the parking lot of a suburban mall is ballsy, and far more meaningful than putting it in a museum.

I love public art. I love contemporary art. I love controversial art. I really dislike cars. I really don’t think our culture (including me) thinks enough about how much technology we throw away needlessly. I can’t help but think that these very core beliefs I hold as an adult had nothing to do with some of my happiest memories as a kid with this art.
And now they are tearing it down.

To build a Walgreens.

There’s already a Walgreens IN THE MALL.

If you live in Chicago you will understand the true irksome nature of this. Chicago has a Walgreens every 5.8 feet. You know, in between the hot dog stands and the banks. Seriously, I have never seen more drug stores than in Chicago. I guess you need a lot of Tums with the hot dogs.

There’s not a lot of current news that I can find, but if we can still do anything, here are some links. My brother saw it up on November 3, and there’s a Flickr photo from Nov. 17. I hope it sticks around another month so I can go see it one last time. Critical mass did a ride to it:

When’s the last time you saw Critical Mass protecting cars?

Anyone “on the ground” have some news?

As a person who wears mostly black, hated high school, listens to metal, and shoots guns, I feel my brethren are giving us a bad rap what with all the school shootings. I mean this current guy and I pretty much watch exactly the same movies and love the same books.

So I have a new freelance service. I will come to your high school and hang out. I will turn the metalheads onto metal that happened after 1997 and outside of Germany. I will chat with them about how there is no god, and how jocks suck, and how cool conspiracy theories are. And then I will show them the Anarchist’s Cookbook, and tell them about the old days when we had to go to the library to learn to make a pipe bomb. I will chat about French existentialism. I will also give them some punk rock because oddly, punk rockers never really fuck up the establishment. And then I will snitch. I will tell you, after five minutes which of these kids is your school shooter. Because it is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. It’s social profiling. I might even be able to read a few blogs and tell you. And then I will also point out the “cool kids” who are totally forcing the metalhead’s hand to blow up the school.

On the grounds that they are both held equally responsible.

It’s good to see the education system in other countries is making kids just as miserable as it is here!

I currently do not have the Internet yet at my new pad.  If I am not immediately answering your messages like I normally do, this is why.  I realize that my idea of camping is living without the internet, and we all know how I feel about camping.

Asked of me by a coworker:

“Man you’ll agree with anything today.  Are you feeling okay?  You’re not usually this agreeable!”

Even I am sick of talk about the iPhone.  iDon’t care anymore.  Too much hype for a product that can only be used by a proprietary service plan.  iBored.