deep dark secrets

Heidi did this seven odd facts about yourself. Mine are super Freudian, unintentionally!

1. My mom is an alcoholic. I have started to say this out loud more often, mostly in a “haha my alcoholic mom” jokey sort of way. But my mom’s really an alcoholic. Honestly I am not as upset about this as it seems like I should be when saying this. She’s pretty functional, and has always been an alcoholic, so it’s nothing new. I am sure this somehow affects me on some horrid deep level I am suppressing, but it is not really a source of negativity, and if I mention it people get weird and quiet and don’t know what to say. So I mainly don’t mention it.

2. My half-brother is autistic and I wasn’t allowed to have a relationship with him until I was 18, because of details of my parents’ divorce unknown (by choice) to me. Another statement which has a buzzkill effect to conversation but yet I am not upset about. Still it’s hard to forge a sibling relationship with that history and I am pretty bad at it.

3. My family generally knows little about my life. I think they think I am a dorky naive sheltered goody two shoes. Which is not to say I am smoking crack and killing hookers, but I kept everything a secret as a kid. Like, I hid my period from them for years. While I no longer actively attempt to cover anything up about my life (as I did in high school) they don’t ask and I don’t go out of my way to tell. Like for example, I have never admitted to dating anyone to my parents. Seeing as I am pretty open about my life to anyone who asks, this is somewhat demented but based on the bizarre overprotectiveness of my parents when I was a kid. But my first inclination is to lie to them when they ask me something. Laura Palmer was so a rational actor to me.

4. Though as a child I was right-handed, I did a lot of things in a left-handed way, which made my dad make fun of me. Later on, I had to get goofy hand eye coordination tests taken to make sure I didn’t have a tumor (I did not), and it was determined I am technically left handed. Like, incredibly better with my left hand. To the point where the doctor thought for a second that I was lying/crazy about saying I was right-handed. I have no idea what to do with that information. Do I switch over?

5. I have cheated on everyone I have ever dated. I am neither proud nor reticent about this really. But I have good intentions for this to be different. And to be fair, the last three were duly told beforehand that this would happen. And I am totally getting better at it.

6. I count and spell in my head all the time. Like, if I am going up or down stairs, I use a letter of a sentence for each stair, like, “I- -A-M- -S-O- -H-U-N-G-R-Y-.” Usually an apostrophe is four stairs, spaces or dashes are one, and periods are three, unless there’s a lot of stairs in which case I will spell the word apostrophe out. Sometimes I just go through letters, and sometimes, when I am in a wordy mood, I’ll just do a word a stair. I spell out whatever I am thinking at the moment. The only mention of this kind of counting is in OCD things, but I don’t do it in a compulsive way (like, I don’t have to redo it if I do it wrong, and I don’t have to do it.), I do it because I FIND WALKING UP STAIRS (or something else) BORING. Basically, more than 20 seconds of not reading or doing something mental bores me, and so this is the mind trick thing I have developed to cope. I remember doing it as a child on car rides with street lights. I also do it if I am walking home and have to pee, so I don’t have to think about how I have to pee. This admission makes me feel like there is some obvious psychological thing wrong with me. Is it shocking I am related to someone with Autism?

7. I frequently realize things I have always thought were totally normal are completely bizarre, and wonder why no one I know has mentioned it. Like only recently my sister pointed out that everyone doesn’t immediately take off their pants when they get home. Totally shocking to me. Has everyone I have lived with or dated thought, “Why the hell must Jenny get out of her pants immediately upon getting home?” Or peanut butter in the fridge–I was 22 before I learned that PB did not have to be refrigerated. Had I THOUGHT about it, I would have figured that out, but who thinks about peanut butter?


  1. Mark says:

    “I have no idea what to do with that information. Do I switch over?”

    You know, right? If this was anyone else but you the answer would be, “Hell no! You can’t like just join the club.”

    But the fact that you are at heart left-handed sort of fits with other jenny facts. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. jennybento says:

    yeah left handers would be like “whatever poser! go cut with normal scissors”

  3. OldTasty says:

    “…everyone doesnโ€™t immediately take off their pants when they get home.”

    News to me too. As Homer once asked so poignantly, “Don’t you hate pants?”

  4. jenny says:

    i knew you would be with me on this pants thing. pants are way restrictive!

  5. simon max hill says:

    Thank you for wearing pants whilst I were visitrying you in November. Pants are an important part of my method for handling the whole “light reflects off of objects, is interpreted by my optic nerve and brain as semirational concepts” dealiethingamajig.

    p.s. fuck seattle!

  6. Jenn Miller says:

    Pants, no. Bra? Yeeeessssss!

  7. jenny says:

    no man, i am wearing that bra until i go to bed.

  8. Heidi says:

    Thanks for sharing. Rodney is kind of like you w/r/t the left vs. right handed thing. So is his brother.

  9. jenny says:

    woohoo! indecisive handed people unite!

  10. Vanessa says:

    Re: Laura Palmer

    I’m so buying you a “best friends” heart necklace. But I don’t wanna be Donna. Or James.

    Re: Spelling on steps/lights/etc

    I don’t do this BUT I used to write on the roof of my mouth with my tongue when I was angry. Like in 6th grade when my teacher mispelled “cotton:” s-t-u-p-i-d–b-i-t…well, you get the drift.

  11. Vanessa says:

    Or like when I misspell “misspell.”

    such shame i feel!

  12. Adriana says:

    I took my PB out of the fridge as soon as I read your post. Why don’t people tell you these things sooner? All that ruined bread…

  13. Jenn Miller says:

    Ah, but if the PB doesn’t have preservatives in it you *should* keep it in the fridge so the oil which has separated doesn’t go rancid. On the other hand, if you eat it quickly enough, it doesn’t matter how you store it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Also, storing the jar upside down makes it easier to stir the oil back in.

  14. jennybento says:

    right–hippie peanut butter–in the fridge. other kinds, no.

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