newsflash–NSFW

I have boobs.

I find them generally inconvenient. I hit people with them constantly. It’s really bad. But more importantly, when in any athletic endeavor, I have to strap them down in archaic contraptions called “sports bras.”

Now, the only place you’re likely to hear me complain about the patriarchy is in a sporting goods store. You’d think women never get off the settee to walk into one. Especially women with large boobs. Sure, you can buy a tiny top they CALL a sports bra, but it really does little:

This is an elasticy shirt that, as the picture displays, will keep your boobs from moving if, say, YOU HAVE NO BREASTS. No offense meant to the model in question, who I am sure does actually have perfectly lovely breasts. However, my exaggerated point being, if you wear over a 36-38B/C, in my personal experience, this decorative “bra” will do nothing for you.

So I have worn more than one (uncomfortable), and i have worn one and tied myself up in an ACE bandage (most effective, takes forever), and I have ordered SEVERAL bras that specify they are for intensive movement (i.e. running, which is what I usually do), yet they arrive and they are basically normal underwire bras. Stores that cater to larger women obviously operate under the assumption that fatties don’t run.

Also, sports bras are, on average, fifty bucks. I would gladly fork that over if they included feats of engineering required to keep my sweater puppies in check, but they do not. Also the contraptions they come up with look like something inflicted on 18th Century mental patients:

I think this explains why women’s locker rooms don’t have as much wanton sex as one might hope.

Bras are generally something you have to try on to get the right fit, yet no brick and mortar stores sell these. I think I will next order either this or this (Oprah recommended, but also a weird sizing rubric I don’t understand). Anyone have personal experience with either?

The best photo I found doing all this research was DEFINITELY this one:

5 comments

  1. Miss E says:

    As a 38D, I feel your pain. I’ve recently succumbed to the “oh god, my breasts are so bouncy that it’s painful on the elliptical thingy” sports bra urge, resulting in the 2 for $8 generic 38 version from Hanes by way of Target. It still creates uniboob, but it’s not as grossly uncomfortable as, well, most of the bras I’ve tried on, sports or otherwise. If nothing else, at least my breasts move in unison.

  2. jennybento says:

    haha and apparently that’s the best we can hope for.

    the thing is, there are a LOT of us, so why are no bras made?

  3. Jenn says:

    I was told by a bra-sizer (a person, not some sort of machine) that I should wear my regular supportive underwire with a sports bra over it.

    Yeah. That was not comfortable, but the boobages did not go *anywhere* while confined in it. I think I may have scared them into compliance.

  4. jenny says:

    yes! I used to do that too!

    I think I will go to a bra sizer this upcoming weekend and straighten this out.

  5. anonymous says:

    I finally found a sports bra that is comfortable, supportive and doesn’t smash my assets into a uniboob. It is called the Goddess® X-Static Anti-Microbial Cup Sports Bra, available through J.C. Penney. It is the first sports bra that has ever worked for me in every way.

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